Golf Jokes

Golfers always love a good laugh and golf is such an easy game to poke fun at yourself. While the game of golf is such a physical game, it’s easily a game that takes place between the ears also. A golfer’s psyche is challenged each and every time out to the course. Here is a compilation of jokes and laughter that will hopefully help lighten your mood for the day, or before or after your round.

The golf swing is like sex. You can't be thinking of the mechanics of the act while you are performing.
—Dave Hill

Nothing goes down slower than a golfers' handicap.
—Bobby Nichols

I don't enjoy playing video golf because there is nothing to throw.
-Paul Azinger

If I ever reach a par 5 in two, they change it to a par 4.
—Fred Funk

Golfers just love punishment. And that's where I come in.
—Pete Dye, Golf Course Architect

I've broken or thrown a few clubs in my day. I guess at one time or another, I probably held distance records for every club in the bag.
—Tommy Bolt

My swing is so bad that I look like a caveman killing his lunch.
—Lee Trevino

I lost a ball in the rough today. I dropped another ball over my shoulder and lost it too. And while looking for that one, I lost my caddie.
—Jock Hutchinson on the 1926 US Open course conditions

If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is. —Horace G. Hutchinson

They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that.
—Gardner Dickinson

Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one.
—Bishop Sheen

I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced.
—Arnold Palmer

The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf.
—Billy Graham

The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.
—George Deukmejian

Golf is like blackjack. If you’re up, you can’t wait to get back to the table. If you’re down, you can’t wait to get back to the table. I’m addicted.
—Anonymous through an American golfer survey for Golf Magazine, November 2009.

What a stupid I am.
—Roberto De Vicenzo at the 1968 Masters after signing an incorrect scorecard that would knock him out of a playoff.

Business trip to Japan

An American business man travels to Japan.

After 3 days of intense meetings, he is exhausted. After work he decides to treat himself to dinner and have a few drinks. Following a few beers and some sake, he begins to feel a little bit frisky. He decides to head down the street to a geisha bar. After a few more cocktails, he hires one of the women to go back to his hotel room with him.

They go back to the hotel room, begin to fool around, and eventually, end up on the bed. As they begin to have sex, the woman begins moaning….then screaming. As she catches her breath and composes herself momentarily, she shouts, “Shin-Wa!! Shin-Wa!!

The American man doesn’t speak any Japanese at all but is enjoying some of the best sex of his life, and is very proud of himself for giving the Geisha such a great time. When they’re done, he pays her, she leaves the room, stumbling and wobbling to the door.

The next day, the American businessman has to play golf with the CEO of the company he’s had 3 days of meetings with. Everything goes terrific and they get to the 18th hole. The CEO has a 40 foot putt to make par and complete the best round of his life. He takes his time, lines up the putt, and sinks it!

The American man is SO thrilled he decides to try to impress the CEO by showing him the new Japanese words he’s learned and begins shouting, “Shin-Wa!! Shin-Wa!!”

The CEO turns to the American and says, “What you mean, wrong hole?”

A Really Good Player

Dick brings a friend to play golf with two of his regular golf buddies.
His buddies ask him if his new friend can play golf and Dick replies,
"He's really good"

The new guy hits his first tee shot into the bush, so his buddies look at Dick and say, "I thought you said your friend was a good golfer?!"

Dick says, "Just watch him play."
They see the ball fly out of the bush onto the green where the new guy
takes two putts and makes an easy par.

On the second hole, a par-3, he hits the ball into the lake. The two buddies look at Dick again and say "Wait, Dick, you said this guy was good."

Dick replies, "Just watch, he's a great player."
The new guy walks right into the lake after his ball. Three minutes pass and there's no sign of him. Suddenly, an outstretched hand comes out of the water and Dick's buddies yell at him frantically to dive in to save his drowning friend.
Dick calmly replies "You don't understand, that just means he wants a 5 iron".

Called to the Murder Scene

A murder has been committed.

Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5 iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the floor.

The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?"

"Yes it is."

"Did you hit her with that golf club?"

"Yes, sir, yes, I did."

The man holds back his tears, drops the club, and puts his hands on his head.

"How many times did you hit her?"

"I don't know. Five, six, seven.....Put me down for a five."

Grandpa and Grandson

A grandfather and grandson were playing golf together.

On a severely dog-legged par 4, the grandfather told the grandson, "When I was your age, I'd aim right over those trees and hit the green every time."

The grandson thought about that comment and decided to give it a try. He hit a perfect drive, but it landed right in the middle of the 50 ft trees.

The grandson looked sadly at the grandfather who said, "Of course when I was your age, those trees were 8 feet tall."

Ladies’ Tee

It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Mike was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker, "Would the gentleman on the ladies’ tee please back up to the men's tee, please!"

Mike was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.

Again the announcement, "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up the men's tee!"

Mike had had enough. He shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly SHUT UP and let me please play my second shot!"

Golf Courses in Heaven?

An avid golfer goes to see a fortune teller to enquire if there are any golf courses in heaven.

"Well, I have good news and bad news" she tells the golfer.

"What’s the good news?,” asks the golfer. "The good news sir is that the courses in heaven are spectacular, without a doubt better than anything you have EVER seen on earth."

"What’s the bad news then?,” he asks.
"You have a tee time at 8:30 tomorrow morning."

Choices

“My wife says she’s leaving me if I don’t give up playing golf.”

“What are you going to do??”

“I’ll miss her.”

Worst Foursome in Golf

The worst foursome in golf: O.J. Simpson, Heidi Fleiss, Ted Kennedy and Greg Louganis.
Why are they the worst?

O.J. slices

Fleiss hooks

Kennedy drives everything into the water

Louganis doesn't know which hole to put it in!

New Playing Partner

An older gentleman often would go golfing by himself and would team up with anyone who was available. One day he was teamed up with a lovely blonde lady.

They very much enjoyed their round together and met quite often afterward for a game.

Finally, after a few months, the gentleman decided he had fallen in love with the young lady and asked her to marry him.

She said "But you don't know anything about me? You know, I am a hooker."

He said "that's ok, just straighten out your wrist and move your thumb a little".

Foursome

A young man, his father and his grandfather were about to tee off to start their round when an incredibly good-looking woman walked up to the tee box.

"Would you like to join us and make a foursome?" asked the grandfather.

"I would, but on one condition," replied the lovely young woman. "I prefer to select my own clubs and make my own putts without advice from men. Every other time I've golfed with men, they have tried to give me advice. Will you agree not to give me advice?"

The men all consented in unison, none of them being particularly good players.

They soon realized, this young woman was a fabulous golfer. She was getting par on every hole. The men were wondering who would have the nerve to give her advice!

On the eighteenth hole, the woman found herself facing a 35-foot putt, with a severe undulation on the green.

She studied it, and studied it, and studied it.

Finally, she said, "Gentlemen, I'm very happy that none of you tried to give me advice before this. I've never played a round with men when at least one of them didn't try to give me some advice. Right now, if I make this putt, I'll have par for the course, and I'm asking for your advice. If you help me and I make this shot, I'll sleep with each one of you!"

The young man rushed over, studied the putt, and said, "You have to aim for that small bush to the left of the hole, that should be the right break!"

The father ran over and studied the putt, then said, "No, I think you should aim at the knot on the log to the left of the hole, and that will be the right break!"

The grandfather walked up to the ball. "Heck," he said, calmly picking up the ball, "that's a gimme."

Arnie, Jack, and Tiger before God

This joke first appeared in Golf Digest.

Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicklaus and Tiger Woods are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in."

God asks Arnie first: "What do you believe?" Arnie thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my fans."

God can't help but see the essential goodness of Palmer, and offers him a seat to his left. Then God turns to Nicklaus and says, "What do you believe?"

Jack says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life.

Like Arnold, I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true sportsman, both on and off the playing fields."

God is greatly moved by Jack's high-pitched eloquence, and he offers him a seat to his right.

Finally, God turns to Woods: "And you, Tiger, what do you believe?"
Tiger replies, "I believe you're in my seat."

Cardinal Nicklaus

The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from the prime minister of Israel.

"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "The Israeli prime minister wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his life. "Have we not," he asked, "a cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?"

"None that plays golf very well," a cardinal repied. "But ..." he said, deep in thought, "what if we offered to make Jack Nicklaus a cardinal? We can offer to make him a cardinal, then ask him to play the Israeli prime minister as your personal representative.

In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Nicklaus was greatly honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said Nicklaus.

"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

"There's bad news?" the Pope asked.

Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Woods by three strokes."

The Cursing Nun

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it," the nun said.

"When did you use this awful language?" the Mother Superior asks.

The nun answered, "Well, I was golfing and hit this fabulous drive that looked like it was going to go 280 yards, but it struck a phone line hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground only 100 yards from the tee."

"Is that when you cursed?"

"No, Mother Superior," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is that when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior.

"Well, no," says the nun.

"As the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is that when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear then?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the &!#&%#%! putt, didn't you?"

The 20 Laws of Golf

  • LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

  • LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

  • LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

  • LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

  • LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

  • LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

  • LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

  • LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

  • LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

  • LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

  • LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

  • LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

  • LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

  • LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law 3).

  • LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

  • LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

  • LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

  • LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

  • LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

  • LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sun sets.

Trees

I think that I shall never see
a hazard rougher than a tree;
A tree o'er which my ball must fly
if on the green it is to lie.

A tree which stands that green to guard,
and makes the shot extremely hard;
A tree whose leafy arms extend
to kill the six iron shot I send.

A tree that stands in silence there,
while angry golfers rave and swear.
Irons were made for fools like me
who cannot ever miss a tree.

New Caddy

Tommy got a job as a caddy.

On his first day he left the house at 5:00am and didn't return until well after dark. His worried mother scolded him fiercely for going off with his friends before coming home or calling her first.

"But mom," said the young man "I've been working the whole time." "I don't make much money carrying golf clubs, but I make a killing backing up the golfers’ stories in the clubhouse."

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